CharlieMC (charliemc) wrote,

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Sobbing, Not Just Crying...

I started originally to post this at 5:30 this evening -- but Marilyn phoned me on her way home and I stopped. But I'll post it now, because it was an interesting thing for me...

A quick aside: My Kindle is certainly a lovely way to read books! It makes it even faster and more comfortable! I think I'll end up doing more reading now, if that's possible...

I totally managed to calm myself -- partly by doing more work on the PSSCA website (uploading another video to the brand new YouTube). Work, for me, is a calming thing. But moments before I started to type this (at that time) I was just sobbing: Tears running down my cheeks like a tap was turned on.

To explain, I've been reading "Almost Heaven," by Chris Fabry (on my Kindle), and I'd just read about the death of the main character's mother. And for those of you who might consider reading it, it's not really a spoiler to tell you that his mother dies, because the reader knows that fact right from the beginning of the book.

Chris Fabry is one amazing writer, I think -- and he's just grabbed me with his character Billy Allman. The sorrows in Billy's life really touch the reader (what every good writer hopes to do), but I have to admit his mother's death actually struck me on a personal level.

I'm not going to go into a long-winded description of my own mother's decline and eventual death. But there were just things in this novel that brought it back very starkly to me. Yes, I was the one there in her home when they came to take her body away. I was there with mom's empty shell as it was put into a body bag on a gurney that they wheeled out. And sure, many people experience this. I grant that. I was calm and in charge -- and had complete control of my emotions that day. I did have to pull Marilyn out of a very important meeting at work to give her the news that our mother had passed away in the night, by the way. (Which wasn't entirely a surprise to Marilyn, but that's an entirely different story.) Our mother's death was a release from a lot of suffering (which was true for our father's death, as well). I've always believed that grief is a 'selfish' thing that focuses on our own loss, rather than the fact that our loved one has gone on to a better place (where they are free of pain and suffering). I suppose that's why I'm usually pretty controlled during a loss. Plus Marilyn and I experienced death at a young age, which does help prepare you for other deaths -- or so it seems to me. (Our very beloved Uncle Al died when we were pre-teens -- and he was like a grandparent to us. And all these losses were my sister's losses, too -- though she was older for Uncle Al. But she went through early death in her life, too...)

I didn't sob about Mom when she died. But, as I said, with my focus on HER, death was a release and blessing. And I believe in HEAVEN, so I knew she was there. And that makes it easier to cope in most ways.

Chris Fabry's character Billy described this same belief about his own mother's passing. It's very well expressed. As I read on and on in this novel, I'm constantly impressed by how caught up I am by this book.

I'll say now that I'm not sure the book will appeal to someone who isn't Christian, or doesn't believe in God. It speaks of both all the time, so I can see how someone else might be offended or bothered reading it. Hopefully all my friends know that I respect other beliefs and am not saying everyone needs to believe the way I do. Spiritually comes to us in many forms. Mine isn't only as a Christian, but it is primarily so.

So I highly recommend this book to anyone who wouldn't be disturbed by it. I've found some amazing things in the pages I've read so far!

I just woke from a lovely nap (still catching up on sleep from all I missed this week). Marilyn and the boys (our two cats Colin and Henry) are all still napping -- but I didn't want to miss blogging! I also started another blog with a photo share that I might post, too. Forgive my recent spamming, but I tend to blog as things come to me, I guess. And sometimes I feel it's better to break up entries...

Oh, Henry has just come to join me! Sweet thing!

I may have said this before, but no matter what age we are, it's hard to be an orphan. I don't know if anyone entirely gets over that empty feeling of not having living parents. I do feel both of them in my life, all the time. I know where they are -- I know I'll see them again one day. I'm happy for them to be there. But sometimes I miss them, that's all. It feel strange not to have them here and to be able to communicate with them.

That is NOT to say that we always got along -- far from it. That is not to say that they were even close to perfecct parents, either. I could tell you many stories, but won't. The thing is, all of this matters a lot less when they're gone. Marilyn and I like to dwell on the positive in life -- and looking back we tend to see the good and let the bad fade...

And I remember Mom and Dad with great love. I wish I could write something that would express this as beautifully as Chris Fabry has done -- while still displaying very real and very flawed human beings...

Tags: 2010, books, cats, colin-and-henry, kindle, love, marilyn, mom, mom-and-dad, november-2010, reading, sister-sue, writing

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